Ruben Cortez What the hell just happened? Curse you Will Wheaton



Where do I even begin? The natural answer is of course “from the beginning” but when you spend countless hours believing the beginning to be a delusion you cannot wake up from it make it hard to count that. That said, it is the most logical spot and at least the events will be in chronological order so when I go back over them for the inevitable shrink I’m going to have to see when this is over I’ll at least be able to present the right sequence.

Let me just start by saying “Curse you Will Wheaton!”

So there I was, humble gamer from ASU at a great con and winning a cool prize. I went to a really cool gaming session. I went to leave. I went to sleep. I think the bastard drugged me. I also think either I was way more turned on by a couple of girls in that gaming group than I realized and that’s why they are in this dream with me still or worse he drugged them also and if that’s the case punch my ticket to the funny farm now cause that means the rest of this crazy is true.

Sorry, getting ahead of myself. Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, got drugged.

So first there was pain! Then some more pain, followed by some pain and then trying to open my eyes which oh by the way was painful. Next was the discovery I was in a cave with a horse, my luggage and an alter to sacrifice me on. Did I mention Wheaton was a sick bastard?


Ok so on the alter was more weird cause this day didn’t have enough of that. The supplies I remember my character in that game yesterday having on paper?! Yeah, they were laying here in reality or as much as this weird psychosis can call reality. It was like the Hollywood opening to a twisted video game, well I’ve played a few of those so I do what any gamer would do. Throw all the stuff in my inventory (Thanks for the horse at least) and look around. There was a lot to pack so this took me a while.

I busted my way out of the cave, wandered a bit and found I wasn’t alone. In a clearing I heard two other games arguing over if this was all real or not and considering neither of them were elves yesterday but their voices and personalities I have met before I’m back to thinking wow I must have been way more turned on by them then I understood enough to draw them into my nightmare or we really are all here and that was some sort of time-portal-transmute-genetic-growth hormone-psycho-date rape drug and he Micky’d us all! I’ll kill him!

A worthy note on the whole transmute part, I denied it for hours because it isn’t possible but apparently now I’m also a vampire. This is not good. I loved role playing one. But I knew I wasn’t actually eating anyone and when the game was all done everybody, even the victims; walked home happy.


At least I knew It was all a game and all in fun. Skyler, not so much. That girl really did drink blood before we came here. Yeah, in case you missed it she’s also a vampire with real teeth now and all excited about who she gets to eat first. Not a good sign. I’m a little concerned. My characters over the years have killed plenty of people, ME?!?!?! Not so much! Now it seems I might have to just to not die, again. Not sure what happens to a vampire from starvation but I get the feeling it isn’t pleasant but maybe food will actually work? I ate some soup so I’m hopeful. Pretty sure this has ruined any chance at getting to know the girls though cause Skyler is pretty and all but her total “Oh cool!” about the idea of eating people really morally doesn’t sit well with me and it a major turn off. The other two have decided to wear garlic neck ties and keep me at arm’s length. I can’t blame them but I wish it were different. I imagine this kind of existence will get lonely after a while. They don’t trust me, but they also don’t know me. Ironic they are ok with the girl who thinks it’s ok to eat people.

Maybe someone around here breeds Chihuahuas, at least those little mutts I hate and wouldn’t miss but I don’t want to hurt anyone. Sad really, WoD always made the “Kiss” seem so romantic. But Garlic there didn’t matter and it does here so I’m banking if I bit one of the girls it wouldn’t be a romantic gesture it would be cannibalism. Wow this bites, literally. One, two, three wake up! Nope still here. So two of the group of gamers fried like eggs on re-entry into this dream world, we took inventory and found out I have a place here. It was a mess and full of blood stains. Not a good start. Later we are told a vampire has been eating town folks in town so there is a curfew, but we got hired to look for it.


I hope my apprehension over all of this (which my ‘partners’ haven’t take too well) doesn’t cause my ‘friends’ to say “Oh look, here’s one!” They don’t trust me. This isn’t the kind of guy I am! REALLY!! But how do you convince a pretty girl of that when she’s fixated on your new dental work? Meanwhile the other member of the tooth brigade keeps pushing me to order take out victim so I don’t go nuts from not eating. This is a problem. Mental note, running water which I used to love now sucks! And of course the town has a river right in the middle. Perfect.

What do I do now? I don’t want everybody to hate me, or fear me. I’m a nice guy outside of games. I’m gonna beat that man senseless.
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Ruben Cortez What the hell just happened? Curse you Will Wheaton

GURPS High Fantasy Belrathius